|Jonghyun knew this was messed up. He knew this was so wrong, but he just couldn’t stop himself. He thought it was kind of funny, really, how the one person who took his heart was his own flesh and blood. Someone up there really must have hated him in a past life to be pulling this sort of thing with him now.|
Gwiboon. His sister. His twin. The word in itself was ironic because even though they were twins, they were really nothing alike. The only thing they had in common was how stubborn and competitive they both were, especially with each other. It was a game they played constantly – who could be better than the other, who could be dubbed “the better twin.”
They both didn’t really expect the game to go this far, but she pushed him. Oh god, she pushed him way too far this time, and now neither of them could go back.
She always pushed him when they were alone, like when she would hug him from behind and tell him she was hungry, her hands ghosting down his stomach, or when she would lean into him with a smile, voice low as she asked for help with homework, but she didn’t need help at all, he knew.
It sickened him how wound up he was for her, because this was his damn sister, his own twin. But when she breathed into his ear, hands on his skin, he couldn’t care less what she was asking for. It could be the weather forecast for that day, and it would still turn him on and he would have to go excuse himself just to calm down.
Someone was usually there to make it stop - their parents, his friends or her friends – but not this time. Not this time, and maybe that was why it got so far. Their parents were gone on a trip for a weekend to visit their sick grandmother in the country, and both he and Gwiboon had their excuses and couldn’t go.
They broke apart to breathe and he stared at her. At her swollen lips, at her flushed face, her darkened eyes. Her fingers were curled in his shirt, her hot breaths fanning across his face as he bumped their noses together, his stomach giving a lurch. This was so, so wrong. They had to stop.
“What are we doing?” He breathed to her and he wanted to get up, but she wouldn’t let him, her hands pushing down on his chest to make him sit again.
She was more fucked up than he was, her eyes practically begging for him not to speak, her lips quivering with words that she couldn’t. He stared at her, his own eyes hazy and his mind blank, trying to think of something else to say but he couldn’t do it.
He wanted to throw up, wanted to forget all about this. This was his own sister and she was straddling his lap, fingers digging into his shirt like she didn’t want him to leave.
“Don’t.” Her voice was so feeble, so different from her usual commanding tone and he melted; he wanted to hurt himself for even giving in to her. He didn’t want to see her like this, but what was he supposed to do?
His mind was racing, going a mile a minute, but the minute her lips were against his again, there was nothing. His fingers gripped into her hips, forgetting who she was, who he was and just how wrong this whole situation was.
Her tongue was against his in a minute, and he should have known she was just as aggressive a kisser as she was a person. She shifted against him and it was almost disgusting how good it felt and how it made him pull her down even closer towards him.
It was like he was in a trance and his body was working on its own, really. His hands squeezed her thighs as his teeth took hold of her lower lip, tugging gently and the sound she made was so delicious and naughty at the same time.
And then she pushed her hand under his shirt and that was all it took to snap him back to reality, almost pushing her off to the floor with the force he used to get her off of his lap and stand up.
“Gwiboon, you and I… oh god.” He put a hand to his mouth to try and calm himself, but it wasn’t working. His heart and his mind were racing. He should have felt disgusted, he knew he should have, but part of him liked it, part of him wanted to see how far they could go, part of him wanted to hear her beg his name, and it made him sick to his stomach.
“Just shut up Jonghyun. Just stop talking and go with it, I mean-“
"Don't tell me to go with it. Fuck, you're my sister." He breathed out and ran a hand through his hair, trying to shake all the thoughts from his mind. He needed to calm down or else things would start to get crazy again and he didn't know if he could stop himself this time.
She was quiet, almost too quiet, fixing her hair and shirt to the way they were before she came to him, her lips formed in an almost perfect line.
"I'm going to bed." She stormed past him in an angry huff, bumping her shoulder against his as she walked by. Her footsteps echoed the whole way to her bedroom before she slammed the door.
He was almost shaking, though with anger or need, he didn't know. Could she not even feel bad about this whole thing? Why didn't she feel like he did? He felt sick to his stomach, especially now that he was alone, and he couldn't stop replaying it in his mind. What were they even thinking? Sure, it was all fun and games until they actually snapped. And this wasn't a game anymore, it was a sick, twisted version of reality that he didn't want to be any part of.
Taking a shower might help, he decided, and he settled on a cold one to try and snap himself out of it. But all he could think of was the feeling of her lips on his, the feel of her legs around him, the little sounds she made, and he couldn't help it when he started to touch himself, head dipped forward under the shower's spray.
He thought of him underneath her, wriggling and begging for him to move faster, her cheeks flushed and eyes staring straight at him. He thought of her fingernails digging into his shoulders as she rolled against him, small whimpers of his name floating in his ear, and oh god-
When he came, he moaned her name, and it echoed through the shower and in his ears, bouncing off the walls. He got out on shaky legs and slumped against the glass door, his hand rubbing his cheek slowly and something wasn't sitting right in his stomach. He was panting for breath, his stomach lurching back and forth, and ugh. There went his dinner.
His stomach felt better after he threw up, but his mind and his heart didn't, and he figured they never really would until they talked this whole mess out. But for now, he needed to get his mind off of it, needed to finally let his thoughts rest out.
So he called up Minho, and even though he sounded groggy and pissed off, Jonghyun didn’t really care. He almost had to beg to get Minho to come out to the park to talk, but thankfully Minho agreed after the 3rd or 4th time Jonghyun asked.
When he left, he passed by her door, and though it was closed, his stomach and heart both jumped with different emotions. He didn’t bother with telling her where he was going, because he was pretty sure she heard the slam of the front door on his way out.
“Dude, what’s up? It’s like 4 in the morning.” Minho asked before Jonghyun even got to his side, and Jonghyun wondered how Minho even knew he was there before he spoke.
“It’s barely 3 and it’s a Friday night, grandma.” Jonghyun sighed and rubbed the back of his head, taking a spot next to him on the bench with a defeated look.
He didn’t really know what else to say. Sure, Minho was his best friend, other than Jinki of course, but he didn’t know how to come out and say, “I made out with my sister, what do you think of that?”
Minho only chuckled, rubbing his eyes a little bit as he leaned back into the bench.
“What, did you just want to meet up? You could have called tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I guess I just needed some air. You can go.”
But Minho didn’t go, just put a hand on his shoulder and rubbed lightly, looking out towards the darkened park. Jonghyun was glad he had Minho really, because Minho was always there for him, even if they didn’t talk and the silence was-
“So, I heard another rumor about your sister.”
-Minho could go fuck himself, for all Jonghyun cared.
His sister was definitely the last thing he wanted to talk about, and he definitely didn’t want to hear all the rumors about her. Sure, as her brother, it was only natural to be on her side, but after about the 10th rumor about how she slept with half the senior class, he really grew tired of it.
“What is it this time?” He sighed out, rubbing his cheeks slowly before turning to glance at Minho. But Minho wasn’t looking at him, only staring at the sky with a puff of his cheeks.
“The usual, just her sleeping with a teacher to get a good grade or something. Naturally, I told the girls to shut up, but there wasn’t much else I could do.”
“Thanks man.” Jonghyun put a hand to Minho’s shoulder and squeezed, but he didn’t say much else. He said all he needed to really, with just those words.
And it became silent after that, neither finding words to say. And they stayed like that for an hour or two before Minho was basically falling asleep in his seat and Jonghyun told him he could go home.
After Minho left with a quiet goodbye, Jonghyun decided he should get going too, and he dragged himself the whole way back to his house, not bothering with anything but his bed and the sleep he so desperately wanted and needed.
He woke up later than normal, later than he would have liked, and he could hear all the neighborhood kids playing outside before he even opened his eyes. He could smell something cooking in the kitchen and it made him not want to get out of bed. He knew it was her, knew she was waiting for him, and he just wanted to curl up and sleep for the rest of his life.
But fate didn’t want him to, because there was a knock at his door and he tensed, not wanting to acknowledge her, not wanting to get up and even look at her.
“Jonghyun-ah." Her voice was surprisingly gentle, and he heard her footsteps coming closer until they stopped right in front of his bed. He tried to pretend like he was asleep really, but she was just standing there silently, and he was getting more worried and worried by the second. With a sigh, he pulled the covers off of him and opened his eyes, settling them on her face.
She was smiling at him, and his breath caught in his throat. She looked so different like this, so different from her usual tense look, and his mind immediately flashed back to the way she looked last night as she stared down at him.
"What?" He groaned and it sounded harsher than he would have liked, but he couldn't really take it back. Her smile faltered just a bit but it only took a second for her to be back to her original smile again.
"I made breakfast, come eat with me."
How could he say no to that voice? It was so soft, so inviting, but it was demanding and all Gwiboon at the same time.
He wanted to yell at her, scream at her for acting so calm, tell her no, I don’t want to but the only thing that came out was a slow nod and a hoarse “alright.”
Breakfast was quiet, but she seemed awfully cheery compared to him, and he wondered how she was happy and excited after what they did. But he didn’t really dwell on it, and he ate his breakfast as fast as possible before standing up, pushing the plate away.
“I’m going out,” He told her and when he looked down at her, his heart sank. She looked so sad, chopsticks hanging out of her mouth as she blankly stared up at him, blinking a couple of times. She didn’t speak, only nodded once, and he took a breath, leaning in to press a kiss to her cheek.
“Thanks for breakfast.”
He left before she could answer, before he could question why he even kissed her cheek in the first place. He didn’t have much a plan, but he just wanted to get out as fast as possible, so he just walked around town for a while, hands shoved deep into his pockets.
The trip turned out to be a bust, because whenever he saw a couple, he’d think of Gwiboon. Whenever he saw something pretty, he thought how she would like it. He even bought a bracelet when he wasn’t thinking, and his gut lurched after he realized just who it was for, because it was too girly for him to wear.
And he bought dinner, enough for two because she always threw a fit if he forgot about her, especially when it came to food. By then, he had realized just what time it was, and hell, he’d been walking around for hours now and the sun was setting and it was about time to go home, no matter how much he dreaded it.
His heart fluttered the whole way home as he swung the bags in his hands, and he noticed he was walking way too fast to be completely dreading it. He figured he just missed being home, because he felt a bit lonely and dumb being out all day by himself.
“Gwiboon.” He called out once he got inside, and everything went almost eerily quiet once he did. Then something crashed and he was in the kitchen in a second, to see her standing there with a terrified look on her face.
She looked so shocked and flushed, her hair messed in a sort of disarray, and he knew for a fact it wasn’t just from her accidentally dropping a pan. When she bent over and picked it up, he noticed how sweaty she was in an instant, and he knew something wasn’t right.
“What did you do all day?”
“I was dancing,” But her answer was rushed and she couldn’t look him in the face, playing with her fingers near her chest. Before he could even fight about it, she pointed to the bags in his hand with a grin. “What did you bring me?”
“Dinner,” He shrugged and it suddenly felt like his voice was gone, because she was coming closer to him and she was barely wearing anything. His mind went in so many different ways but most of them had him and her naked, together. Oh god. He needed to fix this or else he would end up going crazy. “Aren’t you cold?”
“No, I’m fine.” Her signature smirk was back and she didn’t look so frightened anymore. No, instead she looked pleased with herself.
He tried to ignore it as they ate together, he really did, but he noticed how she kept scooting close to him, how she kept looking over at him with those little smiles. This was all too much, even for their game, and he couldn’t think straight enough to push her away.
“Jonghyun,” She whispered and she was so close to him, but definitely too far away. She was even leaning closer, licking her lips and- “What’s this?”
“It’s nothing!” He tried to tell her, but she’d found the bag, found the bracelet he bought for her, and now he was in big trouble.
“Oh god, this is so cute! Is it for me, did you buy it for me? You better have because it’s mine now.” She smiled at him so brightly that he couldn’t take it back, even if he wanted to. It fit her almost perfectly though it was a little too big, sliding down her wrist to get caught on her arm. But she seemed so happy, so excited that he just smiled at her and opened his mouth to say something-
And oh god, she was kissing him again. Just like last night, she was kissing him again, and she wasn’t being painfully shy about it either. She was being harsh and demanding, nipping on his lower lip with her teeth.
He should have stopped, he knew he should have, but her arms were around his neck in an instant and he couldn’t think.
“Jonghyun,” She whispered against his lips and that was it, he couldn’t take it. He grabbed her, pulled her close just like the other night and he didn’t hold himself back. He kissed her none too gently, his fingers grabbing onto her sides hard enough to make her mewl and squirm to get closer.
He wanted to tell her to stop, but his self control was slipping and fast. He tried to keep strong, he really did, but when she flicked her tongue against his and settled into his lap, it was all gone.
“Fuck me.” She whispered and he wasn’t in a position to tell her no, wasn’t in a position to stop because he was aching for her, just as much as she was for him.
He didn’t bother going somewhere else, setting her on the kitchen table with a grunt and a soft sigh. He knew this was wrong, but he couldn’t be bothered to think of that when his shirt was thrown to the side. And the moment her shirt was gone, he was done for, there was no going back.
“R-remember when you asked me what I was doing earlier?” She mumbled under her breath, and he paused on her stomach, his fingers wrapped around her shorts with a nod. They both took a breath when he slipped it off, because oh god, she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
His heart thumped loudly in his chest as he stared at her, and he should have felt disgusted. Should have, but she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, his eyes never straying from her naked body underneath him.
“I was touching myself… you kind of walked in.” She chuckled lowly then, but he didn’t find it very funny. No, he found it strangely erotic, and if he wasn’t naked, he would have been at that point.
“To me?” It was meant to be a joke, and he barely caught her nod as he lifted her leg, sliding closer with a groan. Then she lifted her hips, and his mind went blank with the sensation, fingers tightening into her thigh as he ground against her one more time.
“I swear if you don’t fuck me, Jonghyun.” Ah, she was still demanding even with her breathy mumble, and he wasn’t surprised.
So he listened, sliding into her after that, and her moan was so loud and perfect. It was too hard to resist her moans, her whimpers, her begging, and it didn’t take long for him to pick up a rhythm that had her petite body squirming against his.
He stared down at her as he fucked her, watched her face as it contorted in pleasure, and fuck he was going to burn in hell. But he didn’t care, especially not when she was suddenly screaming his name, arching against him, and the heat was way too much for him to take.
She was stroking his hair as he came, he could barely feel it but he knew she was. And when it was all over, he set his head into her shoulder, trying to catch his breath and his thoughts.
It was silent, quiet enough he could probably hear a pin drop from the other room, but her hands didn’t stop stroking his hair.
“Jonghyun.” She whispered and it suddenly hit him, there, while he was still inside of her.
“Oh god, oh fuck. Shit, shit, shit.” He breathed and immediately pulled out of her, running his hands down his face. He felt sick, so sick, like he could throw up any moment and he couldn’t seem to calm himself down enough to catch his breath.
“Calm down already, you’re hyperventilating.”
But he wasn’t listening to her, he couldn’t with his mind screaming at him, telling him how disgusting this was, how disgusting he was. He put his clothes on as quickly as he could, ignoring her groans of protest, and he had half a mind to smack her right upside the head for even whining about it.
“How can I calm down? You’re… oh god, you’re my sister, what the fuck Gwiboon?! How can you be okay with this?!”
He shouldn’t have asked. He knew she shouldn’t have. Her face was so straight, no emotion whatsoever, and it scared him even though he was used to it. And she just stared at him like he was crazy, but she was the crazy one who couldn’t even see how disgusting this was.
“It’s just sex Jonghyun, what’s the big deal?”
It struck his heart harder than he thought it would. It was just sex? How could see even say that? He wasn’t upset anymore, he was… he was so angry, his fists shaking by his sides, his teeth clenched so tightly he thought he might break his jaw.
“Just…. sex?” She knew he was angry with the way her face changed, from emotionless to a bit shocked, and she grabbed the closest thing to her to cover up. He couldn’t wrap his head around her words. Just sex? “This was just sex to you?”
“Yeah, I mean, it’s normal.” She tried to sound strong, but her voice was slightly quivering and he didn’t even care. He was so angry that he couldn’t really register anything in his mind except for maybe a smack or two for her.
“This isn’t normal. Dear God, this isn’t normal at all. What goes on in your fucking mind, Gwiboon?! What part of this is normal?!”
“Sex is just natural! You’re a guy, I’m a girl, it’s not like we’re fucking married. Stop getting your panties in a twist-“
“Getting my panties in a twist?!” His face was red by now, he knew it. He felt so hot, his skin and his senses on fire, and he had never wanted to hit anything so much in his life. He would never hear the end of it if he hit her, he knew, but she was pushing him way too far this time. He was at his limit. “You’re my fucking sister and this meant nothing to you? At all?”
He watched her face so closely for any sign of emotion, and he thought he saw something flash in her eyes. Fear? Denial? Whatever it was, it was gone as fast as it showed up, and he watched as she swallowed and let out a tiny breath.
“No… no, it meant nothing.”
Jonghyun let out a breath, one he didn’t know he had been holding, and his heart felt like it had been ripped out of his chest. He didn’t know why, but he felt more than horrible, enough to want to end it right there, even though he knew he couldn’t do it.
“Wow Gwiboon… this is a new low for even you,” He knew he should stop, but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. His emotions were going crazy, and he couldn’t keep them in this time, no matter how hard he tried. “I never believed all those rumors, but god, every single one is right. You’re nothing but a deceitful slut.”
The look on her face said it all. He knew he hurt her, probably more than anyone else had before, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t fucking care when he felt just as bad as her, possibly even worse than her, and in his mind, she definitely deserved it.
She didn’t say anything, just stared up at him, and he could see the tears forming in her eyes, see how her bottom lip was starting to quiver. And he hated himself because he wanted to hug her, tell her he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it, but he wouldn’t let himself do that.
“I’m going for a walk.” He told her, rubbing his face as he turned from her, and she was completely silent, even after he slammed the door behind him.
He returned an hour later, almost on the dot, and the house was a complete disaster. It was like a wild animal had been let loose, though Jonghyun knew that wasn’t true, not by a long shot. It was just Gwiboon and her temper, though he had never seen it this bad.
Everything in the living room was in disarray – pillows and blankets were on the ground, DVDs were ripped from the shelves and littered on the floor, the family picture and the photo frame was shattered and in glass.
The kitchen was the same story. Magnets and pictures and tests (which she had beat him on, of course) that hung from the fridge were on the ground, plates and glasses were broken and left a trail from the table to the hallway where it stopped.
It was almost eerie how different the hallway was from the rest of the house, and god, he hoped his room wasn’t this messed up or else she wouldn’t be the only one throwing things.
The lights were off, and when he flicked them on, he jumped because she was sitting on his bed, fingers playing with his comforter a bit absentmindedly.
“Gwiboon.” He sighed, and he watched her jump in shock, and he couldn’t tell if he was still mad at her or not. The walk had done him good - he had cleared his head, thought things through, decided never to do it again – but that was when he was alone. Now that he saw her again, he really didn’t know what to think.
Her hair was a mess, and oh god, her eyes looked so puffy and red, and he knew she had been crying her eyes out. He felt bad, part of him felt so horrible for her, but he was right in this whole situation so he had no reason to feel so bad.
“Jonghyun,” She sighed when she stood up, and he realized she was wearing his favorite shirt, but it was way too big on her, almost like a dress. His breath caught in his throat because she actually looked good in it, and he couldn’t even be mad at her for wearing it. “Listen to me, please-“
“Gwiboon, what are you doing?” He tried to sound angry, he really did, but it just sounded weak, a small sigh escaping as he watched her. She came closer to him and pressed into him, fingers curling into his shirt and he couldn’t push her away, not like this.
“You’re not listening to me.” She snapped at him, and he immediately swallowed down any retort he could come up with, eyes softening as he stared down at her.
She seemed so vulnerable at that point, her eyes shining with tears, biting her lips as she stared at him, hands tugging on his shirt relentlessly.
“Please.” She was pleading, grabbing on to his hand to drag him to the bed, and her hand felt so warm in his that he couldn’t say no.
They sat in silence for a little while, and he stared at the floor long enough to know the pattern of the wood for the rest of his life. He wanted to give her time to collect her thoughts, but she was taking forever, and every minute seemed like an eternity.
“I…” She started but seemed to choke on her words, putting her hand to her forehead with a sigh. “I love you, Jonghyun. Not in the brotherly sisterly kind of way. I love you.”
It struck him to his core. Everything about it – the words, her feeling in it, the way she said it so confidently. Everything was so open and honest, and he kind of liked it, kind of liked the way his heart skipped a beat or two when he heard it.
“When?” He couldn’t say much else, but nothing else really needed to be said.
“When we were younger, around 13 or so. When we began drifting. That was my fault, I realized I loved you more than I should have, and I got scared and worried and pulled away. And I thought, maybe if we weren’t as close, I wouldn’t love you anymore, but I couldn’t stop. I never really did. I got used to wanting to hold your hand or kiss you or touch you, and I waited for any sign you wanted me to and… the other night, I got tired of waiting and just went for it.”
She laughed then, a deep, sarcastic chuckle, and he realized how stupid the grin on his face was. His heart was fluttering and it scared and excited him at the same time.
“Well, I mean. I didn’t notice.”
“I didn’t expect you to, you’re kind of stupid.” He frowned then, but she was just laughing like she always did, hand over her mouth. But this time, it wasn’t annoying or tacky, it was cute and wonderful at the same time.
“I resent that.”
It went quiet again, both playing with their hands in their laps, unsure of what to say. He never really answered her, though he knew she didn’t need an answer to know how he felt, not at all. So he grabbed her hand and tugged her into his side, sighing as he set his chin on the top of her head as best he could.
“I don’t know where to go from here, Gwiboon.” He told her and she grabbed onto his hand, playing with his fingers, as if feeling them for the first time. She shrugged, though he felt it more than seeing it, and she puffed her cheeks out thoughtfully.
“I was waiting for this moment for way too long that I don’t really know either… I guess the next step is you kissing me silly and keeping me for your own?”
Her jokes were always extremely stupid he thought, but he chuckled anyway, tipping her chin up with a thumb and a shake of his head. “The next step is for me to become okay with this, if I ever do.”
The look on her face was one he had never seen before – desperation. It almost took his breath away how clearly he could read her, just like he could before, and she grabbed on to his face with her hands, her voice trembling.
“No, please don’t take this away from me, please don’t, I can’t lose this again. Jonghyun, Jonghyun.” She whispered before kissing him, her hands holding onto his cheeks so tightly that he couldn’t even think of getting away. He sighed against her lips and fell back against the bed, dragging her with him, their lips never parting.
The feeling was so bittersweet, his heart torn in two different ways but all for her. They laid in bed together like that, his fingers caressing her hair as she fell asleep. He could tell she was crying again, though she tried to hide it but nuzzling into his chest further, not that he really cared.
He let sleep overtake him then, not wanting to think about the consequences nor the possibilities. He only wanted to think about the girl next to his side and how much he cared about her.
When he woke up, she was gone, but he knew that would be the case. But the thing that scared him most was more voices, and fuck, his parents were home and now he had to deal with that.
He got dressed quickly, going down to greet them and ask how the trip was, not that he really cared in the first place. They all ate breakfast together, homemade from his grandmother herself, and they were almost too quiet to be believable. Their parents kept talking about their grandmother, and it wasn’t that they didn’t care, but they had heard it all many, many times before. Their parents kept saying “We’re surprised you didn’t kill each other!” and Gwiboon giggled and looked his way, making some snide comment just like normal. Nothing had really changed.
Gwiboon finished first and excused herself to her room, and he finished not too much later, following her example. But he didn’t make it to his room, because she pulled him aside and kissed him right there against the wall, her hands tugging him closer to her, but he wasn’t resisting.
“Parents.” He mumbled against her lips before she parted them for him, but his parents slipped from his mind the moment their tongues met.
A noise made them pull apart, the chair scraping against the ground, and she looked so pretty like that, her cheeks glowing red from a blush, her lips wet and her chest trying to catch its breath.
“Good morning.” She whispered to him and kissed him one more time, hand massaging his side, and he knew he should have cared more about his parents, but he didn’t really.
“Morning.” He told her after she pulled back and walked to her door, and she looked at him with a smile that he hoped was only for him.
“I’m going out, so I’ll see you later.” and she disappeared into her room with a soft click.
Nothing really changed, but everything was different. She continued to ignore him and make fun of him, and he continued defending her from all those rumors when they were in front of other people. She continued to beat him at school, her smirk sent his way with their parents praises, and he continued to pout about it afterwards. She continued to trash his things like his notebooks or his pencils or his homework, and he continued to hide her makeup once and a while if she ever pushed his buttons a little too much.
But when they were alone, she kissed him, told him how sorry she was, how hard it was for her to keep her hands off of him, and how much she loved him. And he told her how much he missed her, how mad he was at the other boys for touching her, how much he wanted to pull her aside and kiss her right there, and how much he loved her.
He knew how dangerous this was, how wrong this was, but he didn’t care anymore. Not when her soft sighs hit his cheek as they laid together, fingers intertwined by their sides, her fingers tracing circles on his chest. And especially not when she would touch his knee or his thigh or his hand underneath the dinner table, squeeze once and then let go like she never did anything wrong.
He didn’t mind it like this, though sometimes, if he thought about it too much, he wanted to stop the whole thing and tell her “no.” But he couldn’t, because he loved her, needed her too much now to let her go.
It was ironic, he thought, how he had always longed for the past but now, the present was so much better. As she laid in his arms, fingers playing with the strands of his hair, he stared at her, a crooked smile on his face.
“What?” She asked, looking up at him with those eyes, those soft eyes he got to see every night, those soft eyes that were just for him.
“Nothing, I was just thinking.”
“You, thinking? Color me surprised.” Her attitude definitely hadn’t changed and he scoffed though he was still smiling.
“This isn’t okay.” He told her, but his fingers caressed her cheek and she leaned in to him with a sigh, eyes closing.
“I know it’s not. But it might be in the future, you never know.”
It might be. He thought about it for a while, not saying anything else, only nodding.
He kissed her, and he thought, yeah, everything might just be alright. Even if he had to wait forever for that time, he would, because she was worth it.